"So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life." -Daniel Tosh
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: 16 May 2003 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. "Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?" "Is it, like, for dinosaur emergencies? 'Help! Come quick, they're still extinct!'" -Joey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
A woman lives with 3 guy friends from college. One day she is taking a shower when there is a knock on the door. The man yells "its Frank." she remembers Frank is the fireman so she puts on a robe and gets the door. He says he just put out his first fire. She congratulates him and closes the door. Then there is another knock on the door and he yells "its Bob" she remembers Bob is a police man so she puts on a robe again. Bob says I just arrested my first criminal. She says congratulations and goes back to her shower. Then again another knock on the door comes and the man says "it's me... Josh" she remembers Josh is blind so doesn't bother to put on a robe. She opens the door and Josh says "Wow, I just got my eyesight back!!!!!"
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
"So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life." -Daniel Tosh
ReplyDeleteGood night and good luck,
Sam
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
ReplyDelete"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
ReplyDeleteThe husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
KP
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
ReplyDeleteSaint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
JO
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteQ: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
ReplyDeleteA: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
~Conan O'Brien
ZS
"What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?"
ReplyDelete"Is it, like, for dinosaur emergencies? 'Help! Come quick, they're still extinct!'"
-Joey on F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
...One time Rachel got pulled over on Buffalo Speedway... They asked for her license...
ReplyDeleteCrying...she handed him a MasterCard.
-Posted by Zach on Laine's computer! We love you Rachel!
yo mamas had so much plastic surgery that a little girl walked by her and said "mommy i want that barbie doll for Christmas"-DW
ReplyDeleteA woman lives with 3 guy friends from college. One day she is taking a shower when there is a knock on the door. The man yells "its Frank." she remembers Frank is the fireman so she puts on a robe and gets the door. He says he just put out his first fire. She congratulates him and closes the door. Then there is another knock on the door and he yells "its Bob" she remembers Bob is a police man so she puts on a robe again. Bob says I just arrested my first criminal. She says congratulations and goes back to her shower. Then again another knock on the door comes and the man says "it's me... Josh" she remembers Josh is blind so doesn't bother to put on a robe. She opens the door and Josh says "Wow, I just got my eyesight back!!!!!"
ReplyDeleteAn escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
ReplyDelete-Mitch Hedberg
what do you call cheese thats not your?........... nacho cheese
ReplyDeletehs
the worst time to have a heartattack is during a game of charades.
ReplyDeleteCHM